Leadership Challenge: Overcoming the need to be always liked.
It is a perfectly normal desire amongst humans to want to be liked. As a social species we are programmed, for our very survival, to seek acceptance and avoid rejection from our peers and wider community. And who doesn’t enjoy the feeling of being universally appreciated? As a leader, you want your team to accept, trust, and fight for you, their loyalty allowing you to make tough choices and have hard conversations, all the while with their unwavering support and adoration.
But unfortunately, that’s not how life works.
Especially when the very nature of making those tough choices and having those hard conversations makes going through life without ruffling feathers practically impossible. Avoiding friction at all times is a constant battle you simply cannot win without compromising all the qualities that make a leader effective.
Avoiding the popularity trap
People who struggle with the thought of rejection often try to combat these negative feelings by trying to win over their detractors, and can go to great lengths to win back their approval. They’ll perform errands, grant favours and make decisions they intuitively know to be wrong.
In my field of work as an executive coach, I see this all the time. I once had a client who struggled with the concept of hierarchy. For the sake of trying to keep everybody happy, he compromised the goals he set for his company. His attachment to avoiding conflict came from a sincere place – to create harmony, to foster a friendly environment in which his department would enjoy coming to work – but instead team performance went down, and before long the tail was wagging the dog. He found himself being manipulated by his employees.
It can be lonely at the top
It may be a cliché but statistics show this to be true. The average ratio of workers to managers is 10 to one, and while before your promotion there were always takers with whom to have a coffee or a beer after work, as a manager you can suddenly find yourself feeling isolated. Naturally, friendly interpersonal interactions within a team can form the basis of a positive company culture, but being too friendly can mean compromised decisions when it comes to, for example, turning down a raise. It can lead to accusations or a rejection of your command when demanding more from your team. And it makes providing negative feedback - one of the hardest jobs a manager will have to do – extremely difficult.
An inability to accept that you cannot always be liked can cause anxiety, and leaders who cannot face this prospect often start to close themselves off from, or even stop talking to, their team to avoid conflict. But ultimately this leads to dysfunction and even chaos in the office.
This is made all the more difficult by the fact, as a manager, you are supposed to provide support, not receive it. And the higher you rise up the pyramid of command, the less support there is out there for you.
Tip: Remember that tricky and difficult situations can be made easier when you pause for a moment to reflect and regain perspective. Consider hiring an executive coach. It’s a great opportunity to receive some of that lost support, share your thoughts, and get a lot off your chest in a safe, confidential environment. It’s also the perfect solution to learning how to provide feedback.
Take the plunge
A great many people go through life limiting their prospects by developing a strong aversion to criticism, and running away from negative emotions at all costs. But this behavioural pattern stunts personal growth. It stops you asking for a pay rise, taking a risk, having that honest conversation that could inspire great results. And this is especially true of people in a leadership position.
I’ve often worked with managers, especially those in the early stages of their career, who’ve been promoted and don’t know to how to manage giving feedback. They worry that straight talking will upset their staff and create an atmosphere of conflict that could disturb the team dynamic. But it needn’t be an intimidating proposition. In fact it can be liberating. Handled correctly, good constructive feedback can form the basis of a healthy, open, productive environment in which everyone can communicate in an atmosphere of civility, and begin to pull in the right direction. Feedback is a gift - a gift of learning - that leaders are crazy to ignore.
Tip: Raising self-awareness via a DiSC assessment - a personal assessment tool for improving teamwork and communication in the workplace – can also play an important role in understanding yourself and those around you. It can aid in the process of developing the mindset that feedback is a gift, because we can learn from it, grow, move forward and be better. Feedback is not about pointing fingers and blame.
Stay true to your vision
As leader you will feel alone at times, with the weight of the world on your shoulders. You will be forced to make decisions that will put you at odds sometimes with the people around you. It’s natural to want to be popular, but an effective leader inspires those around them, stays true to their values, has aspirations, and a strong vision. They must be compassionate, care about their team, and always fair in their approach. In this way you will be respected, dare I say even liked, and can achieve significant lasting benefits for your business and company culture.